Pillars of Relating: Top 10 Conscious Relationship Tips
In my opinion there are a LOT of intricate pillars (or ingredients) that work synergistically to allow a relationship to be strong, conscious and expansive. Below are my TOP 10 relationship tips to facilitate growth, healing and longevity in partnership.
These are some of the pillars that I find most important in relating.; they also go a little deeper than your regular “honesty, trust and communication” lists. In my humble opinion, I have found these (among the MANY) to be some of the most important cornerstones for a robust relational dynamic.
Conscious relationships take work, but the work is totally and undeniably worth it. When both you and your partner feel supported and nourished by each others’ commitment to stay dynamically attentive to the changing needs of the other as well as the changing needs of the relationship (the container that you are co-creating) true alchemy happens. Deep seated core wounds can heal, missing experiences can be had and long-lasting unhealed parts of our being can find closure and nurturance.
Without further a babble, let’s dive straight in.
Curiosity: can you stay open, interested and invested in the ever-evolving person that your partner is becoming every single day? Expressing that curiosity is really important. Ask them questions about how they perceive the world today - notice how that changes in subtle ways over time and get curious as to why. Notice the small evolutions that happen in your partner. Your curiosity is another form of attention, and attention is loving (in other words, to give your attention is to give your love). Your curiosity might also spark more reflexivity for them. Being curious about your partners’ inner life and how they FEEL the world deepens your own understanding of how your partner feels the world and senses their belonging to it. The more we understand this, the more we understand them as individuals. When we understand them better as individuals, we will know how better to support them in partnership.
Expectation: Do not expect the response you want from your partner. Give them the space to have their own organic response to a moment. I find myself stumbling over this one again and again. Put in a nut shell, when you are caught in a moment of wanting your partner to behave/respond in the way that you would respond it means that you are in a state of non-acceptance of who they are as their own person.
Presumption: Do not presume or pre-empt your partners actions. This ties into expectation beautifully. If you always expect your partners’ worst patterns to express (e.g. they don’t tidy up or they typically get stressed over inconsequential things or they … fill-in-blank) no room is given to them to change their patterning. This works both ways for both ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ behavioural patterns. If you presume a positive behaviour and then they do not fulfil it, you will also be left feeling resentful. Whether you presume their worst conditioned patterning or presume positive patterning it will typically lead to your partner either feeling stifled or misunderstood OR you feeling disappointed and resentful. So, instead be open to your partners thoughts/feelings/actions without overlaying your own hopes/ideas on them.
Attunement: tune into your partner regularly. Tune into the moment, their energy, their context. Their context of coming to a moment is indeed merged with yours, but they still have their own context as individuals. Understanding your partners’ context of HOW and why they come to a moment the way that they do, gives you more capacity to hold space for them, to understand (instead of judge) their behaviours. It also gives you space to recognise what their needs are in that moment and space to respond from the heart.
Belief: to have enthusiasm and belief in your partners’ visions/dreams/goals/inspirations. This lets your partner feel seen, supported, buoyed and fully held/received. Needless to say, feeling like your partner is your No.1 fan and believes in you relentlessly - is absolute medicine to the inner child, to the present empowered you and to the you that sometimes lets self-doubt take the wheel.
Share: as much as it is your responsibility to ask your partner questions and to be deeply (and authentically) curious about their inner life - it is also your responsibility to share your inner life with them. Share from a place of openness, vulnerability & a willingness to be fully seen, understood and felt. Let your partner fully SEE you. This, (naturally) requires you to embody your true self-energy. And this is how I have come to understand the phrase “wearing your heart on your sleeve” - it essentially means sharing yourself openly.
Communication: talk about everything! Big and small. This is particularly relevant if you tend to be someone that has big moments of healing/revelations that change who you are. It’s important to bring your partner along in the smaller moments that lead up to the big moments. This way your partner won’t feel blind-sided by your changes and will also feel like they have been a part of your individual process. Give them the opportunity to support you (or at least cheer you on) in your evolution. This wider understanding of each others’ processes will create more harmony while you navigate the delicate balance of the individual journey + the journey of you as a unit.
Love languages: diligently learn your partners love language and do it like you are learning for your matric final in a subject you are deeply passionate about and hope to pursue. Your relationship really does depend on it. Understanding their lens of love is vital to the longevity, sustainability & health of your relationship. The magic then lies in you meeting them there, with your new understanding of how they recognise and receive love.
The triangle: I like to think that in relationships there are 3 entities that form the core dynamic. There is YOU, THEM and the UNIT that you co-create together. Keeping this triangle in mind helps to create space for you to support yourself in individualisam and independence, it gives space to support them in their evolution as an individual and then it gives space to nurture the container of union that you are creating together. In the container, you MERGE; outside of the container (the YOU and the ME) you overlap but do not merge. In any given moment it is helpful to ask what each corner of the triangle needs in order to feel held and nurtured.
Listen deeply: Without thinking about your response, listen only to receive THEM in presence. Listen not to be perceived as a good listener, but to really hear and feel where they are at.
These explorations of relational perspectives and conscious thought patterns are essentially a pathway of embodying and LIVING tantra. Tantra is the art and science of deep, unifying connection. The Western world has a very limited understanding of tantra - seeing it only through the lens of sexual tantra. But, that is only one branch of tantra. The overarching umbrella of tantra is that tantra is THAT WHICH CONNECTS US AND CREATES UNITY. Relationships take us into deeper connection with ourselves, with others and to the very real world around us (and within us). Therefore, what we have explored today can be seen as a cornerstone of tantra: conscious relating. Seeing the Divine in your partner. Seeing the Divine within yourself. Learning with, through and from your partner as a potent mirror of self-reflection and expansion.
